What hunk muffins
What hunk muffins
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Jared is very proud to claim that in his interweb debut he was not, as many thought he would be, covered in honey. Two words best describe Ducketts: intestinal fortitude. That's right, I once saw this guy eat 3 tennis balls dipped in lavender. It was incredible. Ducketts loves the Red Sox, the Duke Blue Devils, the New England Patriots, and claims Anika Sorensten as his favorite male athlete. Yelling at women and selling puppies to the homeless for, literally, the shirts off their backs are among his favorite pastimes. Jared doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom, loves candlesticks and enjoys fiscally conservative non-governmental organizations. Eats babies. |
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John "JJ" Jubar
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After a brief hiatus while frolicking in the wild world of chemistry, JJ has been returned to us! With his rosy cheeks, hazel eyes, and adorably crescent-shaped duodenum, it is easy to see why JJ was unofficially voted the cuddliest generic by the British House of Commons. An aspersion of public figures contributed to this decison, such as Gary Wayne Vernon Jr, Jimmie Walker, and the anonymous inventor of the spork. Chronological incongruencies aside, JJ is quite fond of Sacagawea dollars and punctual trains. He enjoys explosions, sharks, unicorns, and other assorted manly things. |
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Aaron
Michael Bolton Chamberlain (aka Feivel goes west) is by far the skinniest
generic to date. He appears quite healthy but in fact has a colony of tapeworms
living in his colon. An amateur bear-blaster extraordinaire and shampoo
enthusiast, Feivel's collection of Pert and Head and Shoulders is unfathomable.
He's also covered head-to-toe in tattoos of seagulls as a tribute to his
mother, who was tragically killed by a flock of rabid Costa Rican gulls
in the late 90's. His many talents include braiding arm hair, elbow licking
and training gophers. He would love to meet you one day, Somewhere Out There! |
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Benjamin David Gavin Degraw Heemstra holds the current Generics record with over ninety-six hours of consecutive brow-furrowing, a mark which is likely to stand for weeks to come. Seriously, the guy’s got moxie. Between a hectic practice schedule and pursuing his career as a rocket surgeon, Hamster likes to work on his memoirs recounting his quest for enlightenment in a hip-hop era (now with the working title “Buddha Call”). He also enjoys breathing, almost maniacal dental hygiene, and searching for the Lorax so he can give it a piece of his mind. |
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Other than that incident with the “magic” lamp, “flying” carpet, and “princess,” (all a big misunderstanding, officer), the origins of Rajah’s nickname remain as mysterious as his glance and aroma. Nevertheless, it’s still a beautiful day in the neighborhood when you’re in the Land of the Rising Gene. Really, he’s the Gene-shine in our lives. Don’t let his biting, caustic wit or mild case of Tourette’s fool you; take one look at his snow globe collection and he’ll have wriggled his way into your heart. In a totally non-parasitic way. Just remember, you can’t spell “Caucasian” without “asian.” And “Cauc.” You think on that. |
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One thing that’s held the Generics back in recent years is a dearth of members named Ben. So when we learned that this was one of Greenie’s specialties, our dearth turned into a berth of mirth with the girth of Perth. Or something. An aspiring starfish breeder, Ben spends much of his free time trying to hold speed dating sessions for the little critters and redirecting the world’s ocean currents using only his body and cell phone as tools. One word of warning: due to a rough childhood, Greenie has a psychotic episode when he sees or hears the letter “e”, so try to avoid it. Otherwise you’ll get along famously! |
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To the Generics, Mr. Swirly represents a puzzle, wrapped in an enigma, pan-fried in the freshest conundrum, topped with a dollop of whipped quandary and served with a generous side of facial hair (when in season). So many questions surround him: where did he come from? Where did he learn to sing like that? How does a habitual hat-wearer keep his hair so miraculously styled? If a train leaves New York travelling west at 50 mph, will the conductor be late for his dentist appointment in Chicago? We may never know. And frankly, we don’t want to. I never liked that conductor, anyway. The point is, Swirly wears some of the tightest pants I’ve ever seen, and that makes him MORE than qualified to be a Generic. |
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Always the law-abiding citizen, Colonel helped the College Park police start the “Click it or Rickets” program, which promotes seatbelt use through the threat of debilitating diseases. Yes, Brandon has always been a big supporter of this kind of “corporal” punishment. He was also a “major” participant in the ROTC, where he honed his hands, feet, and literally dozens of other body parts into deadly weapons. His reasons for joining the ROTC are still unclear, but the “general” consensus is that he was in it for the haircuts. Believe me, the Generics have had lots of special members, but Brandon is one of the “specialist.” Ok, we get it, military ranks, let’s move on. Staff sergeant. |
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Zack almost became an international hero by making the most recent attempt to assassinate Hitler. Tragically, his plan was foiled by the high price of airfare and by him being born 45 years too late. Keggles’ fame will just have to wait, although he has gotten some time in the limelight: remember the kid that wouldn’t let Forrest Gump sit next to him on the bus? That was Keggles. That little poison-spitting dinosaur in Jurassic Park? Ditto. In addition to acting and singing, Zack is also a talented air-violinist and was the first person to play the washboard in Carnegie Hall. His life’s mission is to return there, but this time to be invited. |
University of Maryland
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Mailing Address: 6903
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UMD generics. All rights reserved.
Last Updated August 22nd, 2010
Webmaster Zack Dorman